Family Feud

Imagine, if you will, a set of siblings.

There's the Older Sister -- a college-age, alcohol-loving, cowboy-hat-wearing girl of twenty who dreams of a truck-driving Texan with a German accent; there's the Little Brother -- a gangly pre-pubescent boy of eleven with an attitude problem and a penchant for getting bitten by neighborhood dogs; and then there's the accursed Middle Child -- a geeked-out theater student with the Strokes' first cd and twenty-three cents in her wallet.

Now imagine that said siblings' parents are out of town for the week. Older Sister must go about her daily college-life schedule -- classes, sleeping, eating, sleeping -- and cannot possibly be asked to take Little Brother to school and back each day. Naturally that responsibility will fall upon Middle Child.

Middle Child and Little Brother do not get along. In fact, the exact opposite is true! They fight all the time, and sometimes somebody's feelings get hurt. (And sometimes, things that aren't feelings get hurt.)

Middle Child does not know what to do with Little Brother when he is in the car. She thinks she should probably talk, because silence is awkward and not to mention uncommon in her family, but she does not really like Little Brother, and does not know what to say. So she turns on the radio. Then suddenly, it is all clear to her!

What Little Brother needs, thinks Middle Child, Is for me to teach him about what is Really Important in Life! I will share with him my vast and awe-some knowledge.

And that is what she does! She teaches him the names of all of the greatest artists she can think of, from the Velvet Underground to Weezer to David Bowie to Michael Jackson to Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels! She tells him the name of every famous song she knows and what years all the Bob Dylan albums came out! She tells him that she hates Phil Collins, except when he was the drummer for the Brian Eno band, but loves Fats Domino! She tells him the history of the Beatles from the birth of Richard "Ringo" Starkey in 1940 to the death of John Lennon, twenty-three years ago yesterday!

And she is happy when she gets out of the car that morning, because she knows she has done a good thing.

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But when Middle Child comes home that afternoon, she tells Older Sister. Middle Child tells her solemnly, I will school him in the Classics, and he will be my student. He will grow up to be a respected pundit in the field of music, and everyone working for Sub-Pop Records will bow down to him.

Older Sister smiles and says, When he rides with me, I do the same thing, but with country music.



Then Middle Child goes off and bangs her head against a wall, trying to think of a way to undo this evil.